We often get those awkward questions from our kids. Like, where do babies come from, or why is so and so this or that way? It is important to have honest discussions with our kids in regards to these questions. We want to build a healthy trustworthy relationship with them.
We as adults feel uncomfortable and even taken aback when they ask these questions. The problem is, we were likely not raised to discuss these things openly and now they expect us to answer it. Or, we may feel they are too young to know the truth.
Know this, when a child is ready for the answer, they will ask the question. However, always make sure it is age appropriate and always ascertain why they are asking, and what they already know. That way, you can sidestep any miscommunication and also correct misinformation.
Our kids have asked us many an awkward question, and there were times where we were unsure how to answer. Asking for time to think or even gather information, respects them as well as the importance of their question. Always get back to them with an answer. It matters that you get back to them. Just because they did not raise the topic again, does not mean they are not waiting on you for an answer. I assure you they have not forgotten that they have asked you. By getting back to them, you are confirming that you are reliable and trustworthy. As they get older, those are the aspects of your relationship they will rely on, especially come the teenage years. Make sure the foundation is laid properly now.
They are not asking questions to try and catch you out or test you, however, if you fail to answer them honestly, you will be failing a subconscious test in their minds. They want to know if you are worthy of their continued trust, especially with the awkward and important life questions.
Not answering them or lying to them, creates a vacuum that will be filled by peers and other influencers. You have no control over what they are taught by others, so create a space where they know that they will get the truth from you and can compare what they learn elsewhere against that. This enables them to measure the information they receive from others against the source they already know they can trust and rely on – you.
We as adults feel uncomfortable and even taken aback when they ask these questions. The problem is, we were probably not raised to discuss these things openly and now they expect us to answer it. Or we may feel they are to young to know the truth.
Know this, when a child is ready for the answer, they will ask the question. However, always make sure it is age appropriate and always ascertain why they are asking, and what they already know. That way, you can sidestep any miscommunication and also correct misinformation.
Our kids have asked us many a awkward question, and there were times, where we were unsure as how to answer. Asking time to think or even get information, both respects them and the importance of their question. Always get back to them with an answer. It matters that you get back to them. Just because they did not raise the topic again, does not mean they are not waiting on you for an answer. I promise you they did not forget that they have asked you.
By getting back to them, you will show that you are reliable and trustworthy. As they get older, it is those aspects of your relationship they will rely on, especially come the teenage years. Make sure the foundation is laid properly.
They are not asking these questions to try and catch you out or test you, however if you fail to answer them honestly, you will be failing a subconscious test in their minds. They want to know if you are worthy of their continued trust, especially with the awkward and important life questions.
Not answering them or lying to them, honestly will create a vacuum that will be filled by peers and other influences. You have no control over what they are being taught by others, so create the space where they know that they will get the truth from you. This enables them to measure outside information to a source they already trust and rely on – you.
“Our second child is three months, their older sibling is almost 3 years old. I am at my wits end. The eldest is clingy and constantly needy. My eldest has changed from a kind gentle, reasonably calm child to one who tantrums at the drop of a hat. There is constant fighting and nagging. There is biting and even some hitting involved. The moment I pick the baby up the drama begins. Seriously the oldest should by now be able to understand that the baby needs more attention right now. The oldest is very loving with the baby, it is us as parents that get the brunt of the nastiness. We try very hard to give attention to the eldest, but it is difficult to keep them happy.”
Often when there is a new member in the family, the kids seems to lose the plot. We as parents are trying to adjust to the new baby routine and then the older kids just seem to act out and almost become feral. All the rules that they used to follow have flown out the window and we are sure their ears migrated far away from where they used to be.
We expect them to be difficult for a day or two. We expect them to settle into the new normal, we spent months preparing them for this, why don’t they get it? The thing is they do get it, but they have survival instinct taking over and they don’t have the adult brain to help them adjust.
Before we get to how to help our kids adjust to the new normal. Let us unpack a few things that we as adults need to adjust to the new normal.
As adults we usually plan for a second, third or however many children we want. Some of our children catch us by surprise, but for most there is usually at least a discussion about having more than one child and for some a concerted effort to plan and make that child. This is usually an ongoing conversation between adults in a relationship. Very few parents actually involve their other kids in the conversation, now I understand this is firstly a decision that rests on the parents as they are the ones who have to make and raise a child. Sometimes a child may ask for a sibling, but the decision is ultimately in the hands of the parents.
So we plan, and we do what needs to be done so that we can add a new sibling to the family. We get the positive result we were hoping for and then the preparation starts. We get excited and we talk about the new sibling, we get books about adding siblings to help our kiddo understand that there will be a new member in the family. We try to explain to the best of our knowledge what they can expect. We build castles in the sky and then the new bundle of joy arrives.
This is when the adjustment period starts. It is often commented that the adjustment from one to two children is a staggering change. It is more exhausting. Where you had at least an extra pair of arms to help when you need to take a break, now, the moment baby is not in your arms, your eldest needs you. When you could have taken a nap when baby was sleeping, now you need to engage the older child and try to meet their needs in between all the other things that happen in day to day life.
We were warned that there will possibly be regressions with the oldest, from potty trained to back into diapers. From sleeping through the night to waking more often. Dry nights to a wet bed, but we were not warned about the change in behaviour. We were not warned about how long it might take for our child to settle into their new normal.
It takes on average 2.5 to 3 years for parents to adjust to the new norm of having a child. Moving from what can barely be named survival mode to, we can do this, and we have got this. Some get the hang sooner and others take a bit longer, but this is the estimate.
Now if it takes this long for adults who have a fully matured adult brain, a brain that can reason through, really understand what is going on and override emotional needs in favour of what needs to be done to survive, how long do we think it will take our children?
The rational brain only begins to mature at the age of 15 and it takes almost 10 years for it to mature fully. Under the age of 15 the limbic brain is maturing and under the age of 2 the only mature part of the brain is the reptilian brain (fight, flight or freeze).
The adjustment and the sacrifices we need to make as parents catch all of us by surprise. Even with just one child. There was so much preparation and yet when the baby arrived we realised that this is a whole new skill set we need to learn and adjust to. All of a sudden our plans need to include a little human being and their needs. We can no longer just come and go as we please and there is very little time if any at all for something like romance, unless you think having baby spit-up all over your clothes is romantic.
Things are different and it will never be the same as it used to be. We know this, we work with this and we also know that the infant and toddler stage will soon pass and that we will not drown. Our rational brain reminds us of this.
But our children, they do not have that. They do not have the rational brain that soothes the aches of not being the sole child. They don’t have the rational brain that eases the discomfort that comes with sacrifices being made. They perceive a new sibling as a threat. To them the new baby IS a perceived threat. Whenever resources becomes limited, we start to obsess about those resources, it’s the reptilian brain that stays aware that there are suddenly less resources available and we need to make a plan to ensure we get those resources we deem vital to our survival. What is vital to a child’s survival? Adults and their ability to keep them safe and provide for their needs.
When a new baby arrives in the home, our kids don’t just miss out on 50% of resources they have been accustomed to having to meet their needs, it actually drops lower. Parents are more tired, they are a bit more stressed and they do tend to be (albeit unintentionally) a bit more intense. We are not as readily available to attend to their needs. They have to learn to wait for attention or food. We are spread thin and thus our patience is less. All of a sudden they are met with resistance and new rules. They cannot rationalise what is going on, all they see is a baby that is “stealing” their resources.
So as parents we need to lower our expectations of our older children when it comes to the adjustment period of adding a new sibling. They did not really ask for a sibling, and if they did, they would and could not comprehend the sacrifices that need to be made to have a sibling. Be aware of this. This is something that happened to them and they really had no say over the matter.
Yes, children are more resilient than adults and seem to jump back into life much faster than what we do. That however, does not negate the fact that they are adjusting too. They need time to adjust to the new normal. It can take some kids three years to fully adjust to their new sibling. Once the resources they need (life after the new addition) starts normalising so too will their behaviour.
Our darling child. We sit here and watch in awe as you mature into a kind young person. You are slowly but surely letting go of our hands. We see you venturing into the world and looking over your shoulder back at us just that little bit less often as you grow up.
You are spreading your young wings and attempting to make them stronger, so that one day you can soar the skies of life and not just survive, but live a full life.
We knew this day will come, and we know that this letting go and pulling away will become something that happens more often than not. So for now while you are still learning to navigate the world with what we have taught you, we need to tell you some things.
Not all people are good or kind. Not all people view life the way we do. Isn’t that amazing? You will be get opportunities in life to try different things and have adventures, to make mistakes, to learn, engage, understand, challenge and as much as it pains me to say, even to get hurt.
Don’t let the moments of disappointment and mistakes colour your life in shades of grey. Allow it to bring colour, understanding and new skills to the already vast set of skills you have been born with and taught.
Know that life won’t just be filled with disappointments or mistakes. There will be great moments of success, trust confirmed, moments of such intense joy that you cannot ever think that life could possibly get even better. Life will be as adventurous as you allow it to be and as mundane as what you choose to settle for. When you can choose adventure, even if we raise an eyebrow.
Ashleigh Brilliant stated – “Life is too important to be taken as a joke, but too ridiculous to be taken seriously” Laugh at yourself at least once a day. Remind yourself that you are worthy and that whatever you do, it matters.
Here is the thing though. Life is filled with choices. Good ones and bad ones, but there is always a choice to be made. Life does not wait for indifference, even by not actively making a choice, you are choosing to let life take you to wherever it wants to go. Be the one in charge of your life, make as many choices as you can, so that when life swerves your choices remain good ones.
No, the good guy does not always win. I wish it was different, but it is not. However living a life filled with goodness, will afford you a quality in life you will see others seeking for. I won’t be around forever and you need to learn to navigate life and choices, so that when I am gone, you know how to live a full life.
We have taken a step back now, we are still in the water with you. We may not be able to stop your fall before you hit the ground, but we will help you up. Even when the time has come for us to sit in the bleachers and cheer you on. We are not there yet. Where we are now, is us as parents allowing you to test your freedom, ready to help you when you ask. Ready to step in and help you navigate the choices you have made. No, we won’t shield you from the consequences that would not help you at all. But we will get down and dirty with you and help find solutions to the tricky parts of life.
You are 7 now. The time has come where you truly will slowly start to drown out our voices and give precedence to your peers and others. You will try to measure your worth in comparison to your friends. You will push harder to fit in and some will even try to abuse your kindness. I wish I could protect you from this, I hope that the foundation we laid will be strong enough to bolster you, give you confidence and faith in who you truly are. Fitting in, is really not what it is made out to be. Stand for what you believe in, even if you stand alone. It takes more integrity and character to stand for what you believe in, than to stand for what someone else has told you to stand for.
Let no choice paralyse you and remember, you will always make the best choice you know how to make, with the information you have available. Never stop asking questions, never stop investigating and never stop believing in the power of learning from your mistakes.
Mistakes do not define you, it is how you grow from them that defines who you are. Be you, be true and remember love wins, always.
Lastly when confronted with a choice I want you to choose: Whatever:
“…whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,…” Philippians 4:8
When you have children, it is more than just a life choice or even a career. It is a lifestyle change. Recently I have found myself in conversations asking why people like myself offer training to parents. Why do I do what I do? Is there a need for training parents? Why can’t we just keep doing what we have been doing over milenia without formal training.
We could probably just keep doing what we did for milenia, but if history is any indication of how well that played out, we probably have to rethink how we raise children. We can just look and see how many parenting support groups there are, how often we as parents are at a loss as to what to do and to be honest the world is changing at such a rapid pace that now parents are faced with far more challenges than generations before. There are so many adults who have to heal from their childhood. The reality is, we need all the support we can get.
When we want to enter a specific career, we go and study for that career. We read books and even attend courses. We inadvertently surround ourselves with people who share the same goals and we talk endlessly about what we aim to achieve in life. We dream and we invest in this future. Yet for some reason we don’t do this when it comes to parenting.
Why is it? We will read a few books, maybe. We join social media pages and follow some blogs (like this one) and then we just get on with life. The reality is, parenting a child and being successful at parenting, will take investment, reading and yes even attending courses or workshops.
There has been so much research done on the development of children, the impact of parenting styles, that we will be remiss as adults to assume that we can just do what our parents did and all will be well.
Parenting does not keep office hours, and where if we mess up at work, most often the consequences of our mistakes won’t resonate through generations,with parenting, how we raise our kids will ripple to generations after us.
Raising children into adults who does not need to recover from their childhood is so vital and important. Knowing why we do what we do and teach our children what we teach them matters. It matters how our kids view themselves, it matters how they view us as parents. It matters how we view them, because in the end of the day, they will become adults who has an impact on society.
So buy a book and read it, follow more blogs and apply it, and book a course on parenting and get the right resources to set yourself and your child up for success. We and our children and society needs it.
One of the more difficult concepts when raising children is the concept of trusting our children. It doesn’t really come easy, does it? We’ve had to do everything for our children from infancy, we had to trust our own judgement and we all know how under developed a child’s ability to think rationally is. We have all done the “Have you brushed your teeth? Come here let me check” mantra. We have to do it, because they are still learning, easily distracted and some kids just really hate doing certain tasks, like brushing teeth. So we as parents have to check them.
Photo credit: Kwhame Photography
The problem is, that our children start with a deficit of trust from parents, at least that is how they experience and view it. We do not take them at their word from the get go. I am fully aware that there is the belief that trust is earned and not just given, and we want our children to earn our trust. Well what if today we challenged that belief? What if from today you give trust to your child from the get go? No, I am not saying don’t check up on things as they learn how to do certain tasks, what I am saying is, always give them the benefit of trust until proven otherwise.
“Oh, but that is not how life works.” I hear you say. However it is how life works in reality. Think about it in these adult terms: You are looking for a job. You send your CV to a company. The person who reads your CV has to trust that what you wrote on your CV is in fact correct. For them to actually want to do a check on your qualifications and experience, they first had to trust the information you gave them. They do the checks – well some do, some don’t, you never know – if you were truthful, the checks will confirm their trust in the information you gave them is correct. Now you finally earned some more trust. However it started with you trusting that they will look at your CV and them trusting the information given. That small step of trust sets the foundation to earn further trust.
Trust is usually shown in the small things we do. If we feel the need to check up on our children to see if they followed through on something then either we thrust responsibility upon them before they were ready, or, we have unresolved trust issues of our own. Yes, I said it!
The last mentioned, heralds the need for deep introspection, it goes to how you were raised. Did your parents patiently show through how they treated you that they trust you or was your childhood littered with phrases like, “Let me check” or “Ï trust you, but not your friends or the outside world”. The problem with these phrases, as innocent as they may seem, is it always reflects back to the idea that you are not trustworthy and the mistakes you have made count against you. “Let me check” says: I do not take you by your word, you have let me down before, so why should I believe you now? I don’t trust your ability to be honest, thorough or capable. I know, when they are young, they experiment with lies and boundaries, and it never stops until the day we die. I also know they need support while spreading their wings, developing their independence and decision making skills. Starting from the foundation of trust, it is easier to guide them and help them manage the journey.
“I trust you, but…” the ‘but’ nullifies the trust and the belief that you are trusted. If you don’t trust my friends, then you don’t trust my ability to make valuable friends and build positive relationships. If you don’t trust the world, then you don’t trust that I will be able to care for myself in this world. That means you feel I cannot be trusted to make good choices when you are not around. This typically happens in the teenage years. Yes, I know, we don’t really trust the world or that weird friend our kid brought home. Our child’s ability to make good choices is not fully developed yet, so of course the trust is difficult.
They are our kids and we mean well. We want to set them up for success. How do we encourage independence, honesty and good decision making, if we do not set up boundaries and check up on them?
Trust, like connection works with a bank account. When baby is born, we don’t need to earn their trust. They trust implicitly that we will meet their needs. They trust us to listen to them and protect them and love them. We trust them too, to let us know when they need something, whether by cooing, looking at us, making small gestures or even crying. The relationship starts with trust.
In infancy our relationship with our children either deposits trust into the account or withdraws trust from the trust account. Every time baby signals their need and we respond, it deposits not just connection but trust into the bank. When we miss a cue, we withdraw from both accounts. In infancy, a healthy relationship between parent and child creates a positive relational bank account in connection and trust.
After infancy, we withdraw often from this bank account. When baby starts to walk and explore, but instead of trusting them to be able to learn how to trust their own body, we keep telling them how to do it. We keep on stepping in and thereby interfering in the learning curve. The more we helicopter their movements – I am not saying let them tumble down head first down a flight of stairs – the more we create a deficit in the bank of trust. There is a difference between standing close by and waiting to catch them when they fall, and providing supportive commentary like “I see your hands need a place to hold onto” and holding on to their bodies as they try to manage climbing down the stairs. In the first scenario, we trust that they will find a safe way to climb the stairs, while we show them they can trust us to catch them if they stumble or fall. But with the second scenario we hinder them learning to trust their own bodies and skills. Do they fall and get hurt, yes they do, however allowing them to fall and get hurt their brain learns how their bodies feel when off balance. They learn to trust themselves.
At certain ages we hand over specific reigns of responsibility to our children. We stop brushing their teeth and they start doing it themselves. We stop feeding them and they start feeding themselves. There is still a learning curve involved here. Yes, you have been brushing your child’s teeth for 2 years, we would hope they have learned by now how to do it properly. They did not! They learn through doing. For the next two to three years, brush teeth side by side, prompting the next place or step in the routine. Eventually, you will brush side by side and you will see them brushing every tooth the way they learned how to. Now you can slowly extract yourself from their tooth brushing process. You remind them that it is time to brush teeth and send them off to do so. How do you know if they did it? Initially you can walk with them to the bathroom and see them off at the sink. Over time, you see them off at the door and finally you reach the point where you don’t walk with them. It is a gradual process and you can follow your child’s lead, they will show you and tell you to let them be, when they are ready. Never ask them to show you if they brushed their teeth. You will soon enough discover if they did not. That goodbye hug or kiss will tell you if they did not. Don’t scold them when you smell the stinky breath. Just hug and whisper, “I can smell your teeth are not brushed, quickly go and do it please.” and leave it there. If there is no time or the situation does not allow for going back and brushing, when they are younger than 8, have some breath freshener with you, just to help them out until there is time to brush teeth. If they are older, natural consequences is the way to go.
Brushing teeth is just a small example of how to maintain and build on the trust relationship. We need to apply this to all things they do, learn and have a responsibility for.
Steps for checking whilst keeping the trust relationship in the positive:
1 – Do it for the child
2 – Let the child do it with you
3 – Slowly step aside and give them space to do it on their own
4 – Be their back up, remember they are still learning this thing called responsibility – You are always a team
5 – Ask if they did what they needed to do, believe their answers
6 – If they did not do what they needed to do, and it isn’t life threatening, let them live out the consequences of their actions
7 – NEVER SAY – Let me check.
8 – If they have not taken proper responsibility for something go back one step and support them without condemnation i.e. let’s brush our teeth together today. That way you give them support without stating that you don’t trust them.
There is no incentive for a child to be honest if we constantly check up on them after they have stated that they have completed a task. There is only incentive for honesty if they get positive reinforcement and support when they make mistakes. Protecting our children from the consequences of their choices and actions while they are still learning responsibility, teaches them nothing. Punishing them for not doing what they said they did, will just increase the likelihood that they will rather do it behind our backs and develop better skills at being sneaky.
You can have a conversation about honesty and trust with your child. Have these conversations when you are calm and not angry. You can say things like “I am feeling disappointed that you did not brush your teeth like you said you did. Honesty and trust is important for us to be able to function as a family. I want to be able to trust you. So let us find a solution together to get your teeth brushed in the morning.”
This invites your child into a conversation and it will be a clear indicator of whether you have thrust a responsibility onto your child, before they were ready to bear it. Remember, each child is different and even though there are all these guidelines of at what age a child ‘should’ be able to take proper responsibility for a task, not every child will be ready at that age and your child is not failing if they need support for a little bit longer than others.
C3 Parenting believes in setting parents and children up for success. We offer parenting courses and workshops. Click here to find out more
Respect. What a difficult word to narrow down. We know what we believe it looks like, but what does it mean when we bring the word respect into the conversation with children.
We have so many cultural and societal teachings that revolve around respect. Respect is good, and we should teach it to our children, however, we need to narrow our understanding of respect and how we teach it. Respect is treating someone with dignity. The dictionary defines respect as follows:
A – Politeness, honour, and care shown towards someone or something that is considered important: You should treat your parents with more respect. / They have no respect for other people’s property.
B – A feeling that something is right or important and you should not attempt to change it or harm it: In their senseless killing of innocent people, the terrorists have shown their lack of respect for human life. / They did not have respect for the law.
C – The feeling you show when you accept that different customs or cultures are different from your own and behave towards them in a way that would not cause offence: They teach students to have respect for different races and appreciate diversity of other cultures
D – Formal respect: polite and formal greetings
Looking at the above, respect in a nutshell is how we treat each other and ourselves. In society today there are other ideologies connected to respect that are damaging to society as a whole. These ideologies balance on the tightrope of expectations, acceptance and power.
For the sake of this discussion, we will be breaking the concept of respect up into three categories
1 – Authoritarian respect
2 – Natural respect
3 – Earned respect
Authoritarian respect
This is an ideology of what “respect” is that isn’t really respect. It is the enforcement of authority that silences the voices of people and children. Authoritarian respect is the idea that when someone is older or in a position of authority (whether given, gained or culturally enforced), they have respect and they are not allowed to be questioned or challenged. Their word is law and even when they are in the wrong, it is disrespectful to point it out to them. You have to do what they say or suffer some form of punishment. Authoritarian respect is fear mongering disguised as a position of importance and power.
Natural respect
Natural respect is a cultivated intuitive respect for people’s needs and ideas. The ability to recognise that each person is different and needs to be accommodated and supported. The best example will be seeing an older person who is frail and cannot stand very long and offering up your seat if you are able to stand for longer. It is respecting a child’s body as their own and not expecting them to hug or kiss people they do not want to. It is understanding that some people have invisible disabilities and creating space and accommodating their needs. It is accepting and including people into your community without judgement.
Earned respect
This is respect that is given to someone, based on their behaviour and knowledge. Earned respect can be challenged and questioned. It also falls within selected categories. We can respect someone’s knowledge, without respecting their actions. We can respect someone’s role in society, but we don’t have to respect or agree with their world views. For example I can respect that someone is a president of the country (thus respecting their position) but I do not have to respect their actions.
Authoritarian respect is usually the form of respect expected from children towards society. They have to obey and not question. They have to do on demand and they may not have any opinions of their own. They always have to speak in respectful tones of voice and never disagree. They have to allow people in authority (all people older than them) to do as they please and they have to keep those in authority happy. We often see it when an older person complains about not getting a hug when they want one, or when a parent complains about back chatting. We see it when people grumble about the “children of today”, what is it they are grumbling about? A child is dared not to toe the line or stand up for themselves. They demand that a child give up their seat, assuming that they have the right to that seat, just because they are older than the child. We see it daily when people grumble that a crying child is disrespectful to the people around them, because the child is audibly expressing their needs and upset. We see it in the narrative regarding breastfeeding in public. Authoritative respect demands that their needs and authority is of a higher order than anyone else’s.
Natural and earned respect is more inclusive. By practicing, guiding and teaching our children this type of respect, respect becomes internalised and easier to manage. I want my children to respect people, but I want them to respect all people as whole human beings. I want them to understand that age does not equal respect, that one can and should always ask questions even when you respect someone. I want them to learn how to question respectfully. I want them to learn that trusting their voice does not equal being disrespectful, but that the way they use their voice must be respectful. I want them to learn that in society respect is a two way street and that sometimes doing the right thing may be viewed as disrespectful and that is okay. I want them to value being questioned without them feeling that they have ever earned the right not to be questioned.
How do we teach our children Natural and Earned respect?
1 – Respecting their voice. Listen to them, not with an ear of correction, but an ear of engagement.
2 – Respecting their body. It is theirs, they get to decide what they do with it. They should be able to say no and stop, regardless of the situation.
3 – Discuss with them the challenges some people may face. Think in the lines of differently abled people, younger people and older people and racial disparities of the past and the here and now.
4 – Teach them how to question and disagree – This is why back chatting is so important. Read our blog on this. here
5 – Teach them to take care of their belongings and respect others belongings.
6 – Treat them with the same respect you want them to treat you. Kids always mirror the way we behave. This is how they learn. If we treat them like robots and not whole human beings, then we should not be surprised if they treat us the same way.
7 – Model respect to others. The way you treat the others, will be the way your child learns to treat others.
Throughout life we all face the challenge of having to disagree with someone who is older, or in a position more senior than us. We all face the challenge of having to engage someone in a position of knowledgeable authority, we struggle to do so, because we were raised to view fear as respect. Let us not make that our children’s legacy.
Often parents make the statement “It is my child, and I am the parent.” The heart of the statement is that it is meant in love and responsibility.
Unfortunately, in the majority of the time the statement is made in context of ownership and control. We may be the parents of our children, but they are not our property.
We don’t even realise we view our kids that way. That view has subtle ways of showing itself. When our children insists on doing things their way, or when they do their job as a child by pushing a boundary. It awkwardly steps into the conversation of discipline when laws are put into place to protect children from harm. The most common way it steps into the conversation is when we step into a power struggle with our kids.
If we as parents have to enforce the idea that we are the adults and in control to our kids, we have already lost our authority.
Children are whole human beings who does not need to be controlled, or shown who is the person in control. Parenting becomes increasingly more difficult if the aim is to control the child and their behaviour. Seeing a child as a human being needing guidance first and foremost, will eliminate the need to control their actions.
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Often I see parents feeling undone by their children talking back, or back chatting, as it is called. It is tiring and frustrating and it feels like you are speaking to a wall. It makes us as parents feel like we are surely failing and that our kids are out to get us, like they don’t care in the slightest what we say. They tell us what they want, that they will and they cry. It can be very overwhelming if we as parents focus on getting the point across and then engage in a power struggle.
I want my children to backchat, I want them to challenge everything I say. I want them to dissect and find the loopholes in a struggle of ideas, I want them to share what they are thinking. In short I want them to learn to think and how to negotiate. I want them to develop their integrity and exercise their choices and ability to change their minds when they have access to new information.
The reality is our kids mirror what they see. So the way we engage with them back chatting teaches them how to deal with differences in opinion and how to engage with it. If we do not hear them out and listen to what they have to say or share how they think and why they think the way they do, especially when they are young, how will they ever be able to trust us to hear them when they are teenagers?
Children are deep thinkers, yet they don’t think like adults do, because their brains are still developing. Their thought process may be flawed, but more often than not they just need guidance and time to process what is being said. By engaging their back chatting and allowing them to share their thoughts, ideas and even disagreement, we create the space for our children to develop the skills to trust their own voice and instincts and rely on this well into adulthood.
The benefits for allowing and engaging back chatting, far outweighs the perceived rudeness and frustration. We usually become frustrated because of our own triggers (Learn how to recognise and handle your own triggers in Course 1 – Conscious, Creative, Connected Parenting click here for more information).
Most adults are raised with the idea that children’s voices or needs are secondary to those of the adults. We are raised to believe that the adult is always right, that the adult’s perspective is the only one that matters and that the adult has the monopoly on knowledge. But most of all we are taught that the adult can override and control anyone who is viewed as their inferior.
Many parents have asked me, but aren’t I then raising my child to be rude? No you are not. You are raising a child who will be able to manage adulthood with the right set of skills, as adulthood is all about negotiation, reflection, changing opinions when new information is presented and the ability to apply critical thinking to find creative solutions.
Benefits of back chatting:
1 – As a parent I learn where my child’s perspective lies and it opens up understanding of their point of view. This places us as parents in the position to know what and how our kids are thinking and where their reasoning skills are.
2 – Having an open discussion about what they think, opens up the opportunity to add value & understanding to their thoughts and for us as parents to reassess our point of view. It creates a relationship of trust, something parents and children really need to be able to rely on come the teenage years. It also teaches the child that their perspective is not only valued but also valid and respected.
3 – Humans have an innate desire to be heard and understood. By listening attentively to their perspectives and ideas, it navigates the emotional connection between ideas, needs and wants.
4 – It teaches their brains that they can change their opinion if they are presented with new information, without their integrity coming into question.
5 – It teaches them to become adults who will be open to learn and creatively problem solve within personal relationships and work relationships.
6 – It teaches them to be open to different perspectives and to be consciously aware that not everybody thinks the same way they do.
7 – It teaches them negotiation skills and the understanding, that in life any relationship is a two way street.
8 – It teaches them to internalise what they are being taught and police themselves, which develops independence and fosters a mind-set of good decision making.
How do you manage and engage back chatting productively
1 – Be sure you know why you are saying no or placing a boundary. Be sure that it is rational as you will have to explain your own thought process to you your child. “Because I said so” is never a good enough answer. It signals that you, yourself don’t really know why you are saying no and is thus just trying to control instead of guide.
2 – When the child is young, be ready for tears and possible screaming from their side. They are still very much emotionally regulated and not guided by rationality. Allow them to express their disappointment and work through their emotions.
3 – Keep the boundary while acknowledging their emotions and frustrations.
4 – When they have calmed down, ask for their input on the situation or boundary. Kids younger than 7 sometimes struggle with the blanket question “Why” so be specific. I.e.: “You said that you don’t want to clean your room. Is it because you did not want to do it by yourself, or that you prefer the mess?” A younger child may struggle to articulate how they feel or why, so try to break it down for them to understand. They will immediately be able to pinpoint why they don’t want to do something or why a boundary feels wrong, when they hear the wrong explanation come from the parent.
5 – Be open to their suggestions and contributions and be ready and open to change the decision when you have a better understanding of how they think – I have found that stating things like “I like the way you think.” opens our children up for conversation. Never tell a child that they did not or cannot think. They do and they can think, give them the space to develop those skills.
The conversation can then lead to one of five possible directions:
A – The parent asks for time to think about what the child has said and promises to get back them – in this situation the boundary stays intact until the parent has had time to think and process their feedback and how it affects the initial boundary.
B – With the new knowledge the boundary gets adjusted immediately – Be gracious about it, ie “Wow I like the way you thought about this. Let’s see if we can do it your way and see how it goes.” (There are many ways to get to the answer or solution, allowing our kids to try out their own is the best teacher they can have.)
C – The parent offers more information on the boundary, the information is accepted and they talk together about the best way the boundary can be implemented.
D – The child is not open or willing to accept new information. Parent accepts the viewpoint but keeps the boundary as is. The child will be upset and that is okay.
E – The child initially rejects the new information, takes time to think and then engages you on the boundary again.
6 – If it is a hard and fast boundary that cannot be moved, keep the boundary, while engaging with the content of their thoughts. Helping them to add new information to their thought process, without expecting them to immediately accept what you said. Be compassionate and allow them time to process the new information.
7 – If the tone of voice during this process is not acceptable, address it with kindness after they have processed their emotions. Engage with them on how to better engage with the process in future.
8 – Always be open to discussing the boundary again and again. A child who keeps coming back about a specific boundary is busy consolidating the information they have received, or they feel that they have not been heard and understood. So keep on talking it through even if you are tired of the discussion. We want our kids to internalise boundaries and tasks. We don’t want to police them, we want them to be able to govern themselves.
9 – Be honest and clear. Double check that you understand what your child is trying to communicate.
Throughout this process there are very specific don’ts.
The don’ts of back chatting:
1 – Never say, because I said so. It is a power play and it draws a line in the sand. It creates a combative situation and power struggle. It becomes a missed learning opportunity.
2 – Never tell a child that their thinking is wrong. Rather compliment their thinking and add more information with phrases like: “Have you thought about this? And add what you want them to take into consideration.
3 – Never tell a child that their emotions are insignificant and that they are not allowed to feel upset about a boundary. We all have negative feelings and are allowed to feel the way we do.
4 – Don’t rush to conclusions.
5 – Don’t be afraid of rethinking your own perspective.
6 – Don’t be afraid of apologising if you misunderstood.
In conclusion, back chatting is the early developmental stages of learning how to negotiate and problem solve. This process will only truly work if you as the parent are ready to be open for debate and apply proper communication skills.
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The principle of sharing is stamped into our minds from very young, and we expect the same from our children. However this is a very difficult concept for a child to grasp. As parents we use the word share ambiguously, we share food and we share toys, we share a cake and we share a bike.
Children under the age of 7 struggle to understand nuanced words, as they are mostly concrete literal thinkers. So when we talk about the word share, it means literally having equal and fair amounts, all enjoying it at the same time. I can share cake or food, as we can all eat together. Food is something that can be divided up into fair and equal amounts. Toys cannot.
Children can take turns. Taking turns is easy to understand. You play now and then when you are done, I get a turn to play until I am done. This is a social contract that can be managed by the children themselves. This works on similar principles as toy sharing, but the language we use to explain this will either empower or disempower our children and others. Taking turns is a concept and word our children can both process and understand at a young age, whereas sharing is not
I cannot share a toy car between two friends, as one will play with the toy while the other waits. It also creates the idea or concept that the one playing with the car is not being a kind friend. This then places the parent in a position of having to manage or regulate how long a child gets to play with the toy. It eliminates the opportunity for the child with the toy to decide they are done, exercise control and learn from the social interaction. The child without the toy feels let down by the parent and then also struggles to learn anything from the interaction, except that they are feeling left out and rejected. Taking turns also creates opportunities to swap and negotiate use of the toys.
Obviously the younger the child, the more guidance they will need while learning this concept, but they will get the hang of it over time.
What are the rules for taking turns?
1 – When your child is playing with a toy and someone else wants it, they can ask for the other child to wait their turn.
2 – Your child determines when they are done with said toy.
3 – If your child wants a toy and someone else is busy with it, they can ask the other child to pass that toy to them when they are done.
4 – No parent is the gatekeeper of a toy or time played with said toy
5 – If your child is having difficulty waiting, help them find something else to play with while they wait.
Guiding your child:
It is important in the beginning to give your child the words to use, but not speak on their behalf, unless it is necessary.
Here is a list of sentences you can teach your child to say:
“When you are done, can I have a turn?”
“I am not done yet. When I am done, you can have a turn.”
“Thank you for remembering that it is my turn.”
“I will wait and play with something else.”
“Would you like to play with this toy? Can we swap when you are done?”
What would this teach our children in the long run?
1 – Delayed gratification and patience – Having to wait and not being the one determining the time they need to wait is important for impulse control and emotional development.
2 – Negotiation skills – learning to swap and negotiate for toys, will one day serve them well when they need to negotiate in adulthood.
3 – The ability to move on and find something else to occupy themselves with. Thus learning to manage and regulate their emotions and expectations.
4 – What they are busy with is important and they don’t have to sacrifice their own learning and development to satisfy someone else’s needs. – This is so important! Kids learn through play, so when they are busy with a toy, they are actually learning and developing their brain. Adults have the tendency to want to intervene and stop the play for the sake of peace, but we are really doing no-one any favours by intervening.
5 – Social contracts are there for them to manage – We want our kids to be kind and inclusive, both now and in their adult years. By giving them the skills to manage the playground dynamics and letting them learn this when they are young we are setting them up for success.
6 – Self-reliance and independence that leads to problem solving skills – They need to be able to learn to trust themselves and their own needs. We as adults won’t always be present all the time during their lives, so being there while they learn the skills, and allowing them to manage it themselves, gives confidence in their own personal skills.
When would a parent intervene.
1 – If a child gets so upset that they get violent – you block and remove the violent child
2 – When your child struggles to wait, you help them work through their emotions and redirect. You do not intervene with the toy situation.
3 – Block snatching of toys
4 – Allow your child to work through their emotions
5 – Keep giving the words to your child and empower them to use it.
Parenting a three and four year old is pretty intense. They are the concentrated essence of their being, their personality and everything in the world. This age is when they mirror us as parents the most. This is the age where they start whining (which is a good thing) pushing harder on boundaries and become bossy. This is the age where it feels as if you want to give up on parenting all together.
Each age has their moments, however it feels as if these two years are the longest and toughest years a parent will ever have to parent. These years creates in us the everlasting fear of the teenage years. They are not called threenagers for nothing.
At this age your child has basically completed a very big developmental leap. At the age of 18 to 24 months their brain disconnects the idea that, the primary caregiver and they, are one and the same person. The physicality of their being is now two entities. Only at the age of 7 does it dawn on them that they do not share a brain with their primary caregiver or anyone else for that matter. From age 2 years to approximately 2.5 to 3 years, this discovery is what they focus on. So they will start to experiment with independence in play, always using the primary caregiver as a homing beacon.
These skills takes time to develop and practice. They look to their parents for guidance on how this will look and they try to mimic everything we do. Their frustration levels is through the roof. Have you ever looked at something being done, try it yourself and it just did not work out? This is a constant for them. They can see how things are suppose to work, from social interaction to engaging with the material world, but the result is just wrong more often than not.
They get frustrated because we just don’t seem to get what they want and they struggle mid-frustration to use their words, just like us. So they scream and whine and cry. Whining is a sign that they are trying to override their emotions to interact with their rational brain, where they have a better command of words and better control of their body. It takes time, be patient with them and yourself.
So how do we parent through the emotional outbursts and the whining? The feeling of constant push back and willfulness?
6 Tips for parenting 3 and 4 year olds
1. Eye level:
It is so important to remember to go down to your child’s eye level and engage with them there. A towering person, feels threatening and increases the hormonal output of fight or flight. Make the effort to look them in the eyes when talking with them. First it is less scary and secondly it invites them into a conversation, instead of a confrontation.
2. Acknowledge their emotions:
Nothing is more empowering than knowing that your emotions are recognised, respected and valid. Help them through it with support, recognition and being present. Emotions are nothing to be scared of, if you run away from their emotional expressions, you are telling them that their emotions are bad and should be feared. That in itself stunts the developmental process they are engaging with.
3. Lean into the situation:
This is contrary to how most of us were raised. We were raised that negative emotions and expressions in behaviour should ostracize the person expressing them. They should remove themselves until they feel better or can better express themselves. This is not healthy. Yes you can move your child away from a public setting, but only to help them work through what they are experiencing and feeling. Never leave your child alone to work through these big emotions. Try to remain unruffled and matter of fact.
Things you can say:
“I am moving you to a different room, so that you can work through your emotions with me.”
“ I am not scared of how you are feeling, you are safe”
“I am with you”
“I love you”
“This is big emotions. I sense You feel frustrated” – (whatever emotion you can pinpoint at that particular point in time)
4. Don’t step into the power struggle:
Power struggles are only effective if there is two people in the struggle. Your child is trying to determine their own authority and abilities. There is no need, nor will there ever be a need to try and prove who is in control. The moment you as the parent start arguing with your child about who is in control, your child is in control of the situation. If you lean into the emotional expression and just calmly keep your boundary, there will not be a power struggle. The moment you feel like you have something to prove or have something to lose, that is when you stepped into the power struggle. In a power struggle no-one wins. Children find security in the calmness of the parent.
5. Give them real choices:
Children this age wants more autonomy. Giving choices, that are real choices for autonomy, will help navigate this learning curve. Real choices are important. A real choice is where no matter what they choose, their choice cannot and will not be overridden or punished. If the choices you give your child is choices that ends in a situation where you as the parent will have to override the choice or one of the options given is punitive, the choice becomes manipulation instead of empowerment. Ie Real choice: “We are going to a park with thorns. Would you like to put your shoes on now, or when we get there?” Manipulation “Put on your shoes or we don’t go to the park.”
6. Check your own behaviour:
This is the toughest one for parents to embrace. We are our children’s main sphere of information. They look to us for the “how, when, where and why” of behaviour. If your child speaks rudely or bossy to you, chances are that you have been speaking to your child and other that way for a while now. Children in this age group start to experiment with authority. Where do they learn how authority is expressed and engaged with? From you as the parent. So check yourself. Check how you speak to them. How often do you ask them to wait before you engage with them? How do you say no? If your behaviour has been dismissive and abrupt, go apologise to your child and admit it. Tell them you will try to pay attention to how you speak to them. They will internalize that apology and start checking their own way of doing things.
Lastly, give your child space to grow and learn.
Parenting is messy and fun. Enjoy it, learn and grow in it.
